もっと早く声かければよかったなー

声かけといえば、東福寺からのかえり、JRの電車が止まって、しばらく30分くらい動かなかった。近くの駅で線路に人が立ち入ったため周囲の電車は非常停止命令が出たから、だそうで。私たちが立っていた向かい側で、白人の人が二人いて、落ち着いた様子だったのでアナウンスわかったのかな、どうかな、と私は思っていた。何度か状況説明のアナウンスがあったが、日本語のみだった。しばらく動かないということだけでも伝えたらいいかな？でも余計なお世話かな…とか思っていて、ずっと話しかけられなかったんだけど、電気系統を復帰するために、電車がちょっとだけ動きます、となって、ちょっとだけ動いて、「あ、こ、このタイミングで…！」と、勇気を振り絞って「翻訳は必要ですか…？」と話しかけたら、やっぱりアナウンスはわからなかったようで、状況説明したらとても感謝された。もっと早く声かければよかったな！私が躊躇していた間、彼らは何が起こっているのか分からず悶々としていただろうに。と思うと余計に恥ずかしかった…！ 助けになるかどうか分からなくても、とりあえず声かけてみればよかったな。と思った出来事だった

やっぱり、何としても目立たないように、出る杭になって打たれないように…！という、小さい頃の防衛本能が、未だに幅を利かせている（？）。もし彼らに話しかけたら、周りの乗客に注目されるのは明らかだったから。それが、自慢のように思われてはならない、絶対に。という、強迫観念のようなものに支配されていた気がする。答えが分かっていても、周りに合わせて、分からないふりをしないといけない、そんな習慣にも。もう、そんなことを思う必要はないのに。最近過去に起こったいろいろなことが、現在に繋がっているんだなーと、思い出している。それを認識することで、手放せると、信じて。

日本の教育では、「してはいけないこと」と「しなければいけないこと」の2つしか教えない。「やりたいこと」を聞かれる機会、考える機会はあまりない。というのを何かで読んだが、本当にその通りだと思う…。軍国主義からの歴史。繋がっているんだな、未だに。

Speaking of talking to people, on the way back from Tofukuji, the JR train stopped and did not move for about 30 minutes. According to the annoucement, it was because people had entered the tracks at a nearby station, and the trains running nearby had been ordered to stop for an emergency.  There were two white people standing across from us and they seemed calm.  I wondered if they understood the announcement or not.  There were several announcements explaining the situation, but only in Japanese.  Should I just approach them and tell them that we would not be moving for a while?  But I thought I did not want to be overly intrusive... so I couldn't talk to them for a long time, but then the train started to move a little bit to restore the electrical system. And that made me realize that it must have been very confusing if they do not understand what was just announced.  "Oh, here, at this timing...!" I gathered up my courage and asked them, "Would you like a translation...?"  I explained the situation to them and they thanked me for my help as they did not understand the announcement.  I wished I had spoken to them sooner! While I was hesitating, they must have been nervous, not knowing what was going on.  I was even more embarrassed when I thought about it..!  Even if I didn't know if I could help them or not, I should have tried to talk to them anyway.  I was protecting myself, not them.  It was an incident that made me think.

The defensive instinct from when I was a child still prevails (?), which tells me to be inconspicuous, blending in with others, so that I won't be a nail that stands out and gets struck.  I am still in a state of shock, really.  If I spoke to them, it was obvious that I would attract the attention of the passengers around me.  I mustn't let them think that I am proud of it, I mustn't.  I think I was governed by a kind of obsession from childhood. That even if I knew the answer, I had to pretend that I didn't, just to fit in.  As an adult, I don't have to think that way anymore.  By recognizing how many things that happened in the past are connected to the present, I can let it go, I so believe.

Japanese education teaches only two things: what you should do and what you should not do. There is not much opportunity to be asked or to think about what you "want to" do.  I read something, and it's really true.... History from militarism. Militarism itself came to an end, but  the mentality still exists, stand and strong.