大阪は京橋に、ビールフェスティバルがあって、東京から来ている長年の?お友達も行くということだったので私も行ってみた!
関西のクラフトビール屋さんが集まる。
ビールはやっぱり苦手だったので、アップルサイダーとライチサイダー、それに、ノンアルのアップルソーダをもらった。フルーティーで美味しかった。
その人は昨年結婚していたという新事実が明らかになり、衝撃だった。なぜ言ってくれなかったのーー?! と言ったら、聞かれたら言う…スタンスで……。と言っていた。確かに勉強とか仕事とか投資の話とかしかしてこなかったけどさあ。ビックリしましたわ。でも、自分も昔はそうだったので気持ちはよく分かった。「聞かれたら言う。わざわざ言うことじゃないし…。自慢してるとも思われたくないし…。自分の話ばかりしてるやつめ、とかも思われたら嫌だし…」とか。秘密主義じゃなくて、自分がスポットライトを浴びているのが居心地悪いというか。でもそれって、全然相手のことを考えていない。そして、自己開示する勇気がないというだけだった。私の場合は。だって、「ああ、そんな大事なことを教えてくれないんだ。その程度の友人関係って思われてたんだ。」って、がっかりしたから。今回自分がびっくりさせられる側になって、より実感した。相手側にしてみれば、決して、私との友人関係をその程度と思っていたということはないと思うんだけど。ただ単に、自分から言うのもなぁ…?と思っていただけだとは思うんだけど。
自己開示って、自分からしていくの大事なんだなあ。と改めて思った。適度に。大事なことは。今まで、「うざいやつ、自慢してるやつ、誰も訊いてないよ。興味ないよ。」と思われることに強い恐怖があったと思うけれど、そういうこと思う人はスルーして、私に興味を持ってくれて、大事に思ってくれて、お互いに自己開示して、素直に腹を割って話し合えるような人たちを、私は大事にしていきたい。と思いました。
あと、自己開示しすぎて、自分の話ばっかりしてて、「なんなの…私は何? 壁と思われてる??」というような、極端なおしゃべりさんの餌食になるケース(汗)も何回かあったので、そんな風には絶対なりたくない、と思っている、というのもある。
まあともかくも、今回もいろんな話をして、今後のビジョンとか、今はまっている本(老師の、求めすぎず、ありのままに生きる)、会社とは、資本主義とは、みたいなことを議論できて、ためになった。美術館の招待券ももらってしまった! 行かねばー!
There was a beer festival in Kyobashi, Osaka, where craft beweries from Kansai gather. My friend was also going, so I went too! But I'm not a beer drinker, so I got an apple cider, a lychee cider, and a non-alcoholic apple soda. They were all fruity and delicious.
I was shocked to learn a new revelation this time: my friend had gotten married last year. Why didn't you tell me?? I asked him, and he said "I was going to tell you when I'm asked...". It's true that we only talked about studies, work, and investments, but still, I was so surprised. But I used to be like that, so I understood how he felt. I would tell them something especially something personal, if they asked me. It's not something I should go out of my way to tell the world.... I don't want people to think I'm bragging. I don't want people to think I'm just endlessly talking about myself. It's not that I'm secretive, it's just that I don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight. But that's all selfish thoughts, and not kind to other people at all.. at least my excuses were. And I just didn't have the courage to disclose myself. Because this time I thought, "Oh, he won't tell me such an important thing. That's how lightly he thought of our friendship." I was disappointed, frankly, though I was not looking at him with a romantic feeling at all. This time, being on the receiving end of the surprise, I felt it even more. I don't think that he took our friendship so lightly, though, but still. I think he was just hesitant and shy to tell me.
I realized once again that self-disclosure is important to do it from oneself. That is a great lesson to review again. Well, disclose in moderation. Because it's important. Because your friend is important, so you share important news with them. I used to think, "I want no one to think I'm annoying or boastful. And no one is interested about my perfonal stuff". But now. As a grown-up, I will let go of people who think that way, and cherish people who are interested in me, who think I am important, who are willing to disclose themselves to me as well, and with whom I can have honest and open conversations.
I also had some people before who self-disclose too much, who talk about themselves too much and never interested in me. And those cases still stick to my mind as a negative example, where I thought "What...what am I? Do they think I'm a wall?" I have fallen prey to such extreme talkers a few times, so I'm super afraid of being like that. That's another reason.
Anyway, we talked about many things this time as usual, and it was very useful for me to discuss our future visions, the book we are currently reading (Taoism's "Don't Ask Too Much, Just Live as You Are"), corporate greed, capitalism, etc. He gave me a free ticket to a museum exhibition! I have to go!
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