Practice leads to confidence; confidence leads to success.

 Practice, practice, and practice!

Thanksful for my friends and colleagues who are willing to spend hours with me to practice my defense seminar.  I've memorized most things now!  I will need to study my literature and get ready for questions.

Lake Lansing Park North hike, ice cream, and cockatoos

Went hiking in Lake Lansing Park North!!  It was refreshing after sitting and writing all day every day for weeks!  The park was full of green and looked very different from the park we went to during mid winter, when everything was covered by snow. 

Now in July with rain and vegetation, swamps are formed here and there, and many mosquitos and bugs welcome you.  But it feels great to be surrounded by nature, take some fresh air, and catch up with friends.  An hour did not feel long at all.  So grateful to these parks and wonderful company.

We went to an ice cream shop near the lake, too.  Dark cherry ice cream (with no added sugar!) was delicious after a hike in hot and humid weather.

We were happily surprised by a couple with two yellow-crested cockatoos. They the cockatoos are 65 and 21 years old! I couldn't believe it, but it makes sense; some cockatoos live really a long life.  They are very friendly and said "Hello!".  They are chatty and they sing, too.  It was a fun encounter!  Other customers at the shop were also introduced to the cockatoos and were amazed.  The one named Jasmine was really friendly and got on people's arms and shoulders.  So cute!!

I was wondering how come they don't fly away without a leash, then noticed that they don't have feather around their wings.  It was probably removed so that they can't fly.  It was a cruel fact that I had wish weren't true.. But how is it different from putting a leash to a dog's neck, or dehorning a cattle?  Hmm.. 

   

 

Morning walk finds!

Morning walk is a valuable habit.. it helps maintain a rhythm of the day, serves an opportunity to exercise, and is a time to plan my day.  Having a meeting with myself while walking.  It's good to my brain, too! 

 

博論草稿を送りましたーーー

 博士論文とりあえずまとめて教授陣に提出したーーー　けっこうな遅刻。あるあるらしいけど。りりーさん締め切り守る人だったのになあ。なんでも早めにやる人なのにな。博士論文に関しては後手後手に回っている！

本来月曜に出すべきものなんだけど、月曜に第四章の添削・修正案件が来たのでそれを水曜いっぱいで仕上げた……　急いで解析したやつなので粗がないか心配、ってわけでダブルチェックしながら。解析方法が例によってあとからあとからいい方法が出てくるので、修正前のなのか後のなのかが分からなくなったり。最新のデータを使って、最新の解析方法で、これが間違いなく結果として出ます、と保証するのはけっこう神経を使う。それが迫りくる締め切り日の前だから余計に。ぐああ

そいで木曜一日使ってフォーマット…。体裁を整えて図表番号通してTable of Contents 目次とと List of Tables and Figures 図表一覧を作る。これが骨が折れた!!　MS Word の新たな使い方を学んでいる…。200ページ越えの文書を作るのは大変だな。。それだけで。イントロ書こうかと思ったけどとてもそんな時間なかったわ。

指導教官とお話ししたかったので、午後に研究室の自分の机に久しぶりに行って、そこで作業した。だいぶ物を引き払っているので全部持ち込まないといけなかったけど、その分集中できた。水も持参だしずっと座っているのもきつかったけど。その点、スタンディングデスクはいいなあ。でもマウスでホイールころころできるのは助かった。でも自分のパソコンが初期化されたも同然の状態になっていて、ソフト、設定などなどが消えていた。アップデートしますよと言われた時点で覚悟はしていた。リモートになってから全部自分のパソコン一本でできるようにしたし、もともと会社（仕事用）のPCとはそういうものだ。知らないところで管理される。だから、パソコンはあるけど使えない状態で、机とモニターだけ借りて、自分でＨＤＭＩケーブルとノートパソコンを持参した。笑　このノートパソコンがパワフルでほんとーーに助かっている。私のすべてが詰まっている。絶対に壊れてほしくない、少なくとも博論を提出するまでは。まあデータはバックアップとれているからいいんだけど、ソフトの数とか設定とかが、最適化されて一番効率良いようになっているのだ。これを新しいPCにまた一から入れるなんて、考えただけで気が遠くなる。できればパソコンごとミラーリング複製してバックアップしたいぐらいだ。

引退した人の後任の新しい先生が来ていた。しゃべり方、学生との接し方一つで、いろんなことが分かるものだな（分かった気になっているだけなのかもしれないけど）。平日昼間だったけどほとんど誰もいなかった。まだみんなリモートワークを続けているのだろう。家のオフィスがしっかりできてしまったから、もとに戻すのもなかなか時間がかかるだろう。でも8月から、事務系の人たちはフルタイムで戻ってくるそうだ。

指導教官に、今後のプロジェクトのことを聞いたけど、データ解析のは2－3か月しかかからないやつで、一年とかの研究資金は今はないそうだ。もう一つのは、食品系でがっちり実験系。実験系も楽しいけど、どうだろ…。リモートでできるものを極めていくなら別のスキルを身につけた方が良さそうだ。

アカリクの文書書きが何気に楽しみだ。

とりあえず、博論ディフェンスですよね……　何はなくともそれに全力投球せねば！！　プレゼンするの自体が半年以上ぶりくらいなので大変だ…でもZoomでよかった……。学期末だけあって、他の友人たちもディフェンスしている。大丈夫！！一緒に頑張ろう！！

OMG it took forever to put my disertation together, format it, make Table of Contents and List of Tables and Figures with page numbers and everything... It takes so much time to format a 200 page document.  I am a person who does things early and meet deadlines, but when it comes to dissertation, I'm often behind.  

I got feedback for the final chapter on Monday, which is the day I was supposed to send my dissertation draft to my committee, but my advisor suggestsed that I'd better address their comments first for the fourth chapter.  So, I spent Tue and Wed on editing and double-checking that the analyses are right.  I will need to check again once I get my defense presentaiton done.  I want to check one more time since I analyzed the data in hurry and improved my methodology several times throughout.  It always goes like that; you constantly get new ideas and new methods to try. 

Anyways that was those two days... I'm surprised that I can focus for such a long time per day and for a long time. Literally burning midnight oil studying, writing, and revising.  It's been a marathon.  And I'm happy to be typing something that's not scientific.. lol   

I am thankful to my friends who are super supportive and always cheers me up.  This work would not have been possbile with all the people I met at MSU.  I enjoyed writing acknowledgement section.

I'm almost there - I made half the presentation, so I will just need to add the other half in terms of results, and make general introduction and conclusion for my defense seminar slides.  I hope to go hiking tomorrow if the weather permits, and have some relaxing time with friends when I can.  Time is running out....     

論文修正おわったーーー ありえないほど長くて短い一日

 論文2報目のがやりなおしになってしまいぎゃーーとなりながらやるしかない！！となって再解析、図表修正、考察修正をした！！！

この作業量と頭脳労働量を２日でやるとは信じがたい、自分で。そりゃあ一日14時間作業でいろんなことを犠牲にしましたけども。。朝の散歩だけは譲らないけど（一日の計画をたてるのにうってつけ）、それ以外はパソコンにかじりついていた。

木曜の昼に昼御飯食べて、そのまま何も食べず夜までやって寝て、翌日今日、6時に起きてフルスロットルでやって、、さすがに夕方５時にお腹が空いて集中できなくなった。でもそれまでの集中力がすごかったので、空腹が頭脳にいいというのは本当なんだな。血が頭にいくから、ってホームズが言っていた通り。

月曜もめっちゃめちゃに追い込んで論文かいたけど、にたようなことが同じ週に再び起こるとは思わなかった。やっぱり何かを仕上げるというのは大変なんだな、時間がかかる。そして遺伝学分野でどうしても慣れていなくて、あとからあとから修正案というかこうしたほうがいいのではないかというメソッドが出てくる。そうこうしているうちに新しい論文も出てきてそれも考察に加えて…なんてことになり永遠に終わらない。これでいいんです！ここで切ります！と言えるほど玄人でもないのがつらいところだ。研究者の運命なんだろうけど。

文献を読んでもしばらくしたら忘れてしまうので、何かを分子レベルで突き詰めること自体にそんなに興味がないんだろうなとも思う。データをまとめるのは好きだけど、それから言えることはごくシンプルであってほしい。。。

度重なる修正を快くOKしてくれる指導教官の先生の寛大さに感謝感激である……。

今日やったこと

GWAS結果の一覧表作成。過去研究および既知遺伝子との相関をみる。図、表を作成、修正する。LDを計算する（使わなかったけど…メソッドの記録、汎用化はできた)。 考察修正して付け加える。見直す（これ重要！！！！)。Got p value of 10^-80.  Couldn't beileve it, but what can I do?  It's exactly what the calculation spits out.

箇条書きにするとそんなにないけど、ほんっと大変だった。ありえん。Time pressure も加わって知恵熱が出てきた。ともかくも良い週末を過ごせそうです……。次にやることはまだ考えたくないです。

ぎりぎりで物事をするのが好きなのか？ いや、そうではない。前々から計画して早めに終わらせるほうが好きだ。なので、余裕をもってやっているのに修正が多くて手間がかかっているというのが近いきがする、論文に関しては。。。

Warm and moist summer in Michigan

Different kinds of flowers are here to be found.  It's very humid every day, but the temperature isn't too bad. But still... It feels like I'm being steamed. 

 

Final chapter draft submitted!! とりあえず博論の最終章ができた！！！

Wrote a paper at a record-breaking pace.  OMG I'm exhausted... 

So thankful for my advisor's advice on not to bite on more than I could chew and write a paper with what we already have.  It was a life saving advice!!  I cannot imagine what would have happened if I spent one more day on data analysis without knowing where a cutoff should be.   

 

Balance of efficiency and quality

Making slow but steady progress on my data analysis and writing the final chapter of my destination.  

I was panicking a few days ago because I'm supposed to submit my dissertation to my committee in a week and still I am working on data analysis. I talked with my advisor and sought her advice.  She said I should stick to my original plan to defend in August because the three other chapters are already done.  My last chapter doesn't need to be super sophisticated sociological paper because of the small sample number I got, and it would take a long time to really look into the details of the study as we had so many questions.  So, it's a better idea to write a preliminary data analysis report kind of chapter to finish up.  This was really good and timely advice.  I don't have to dig deep and give myself more work.  If I have a deadline, then I should stick to it and do my best within that timeline rather than delaying my plan. 

Some quotes that came to my mind...

- done is better than perfect.

- it's impossible to please everyone.  If you talk with someone, they will give you ideas on how to analyze data, or what can be added, and this will go on and on. 

- data analysis will take as long as you let it.

It also reminded me of what my internship advisor told me, that I do a very detailed job, but I am not super fast.  What is important in the industry is speed and efficiency!  I feel like the only way to make things happen fast is to do less because it does take some time to ensure that your report is error-free, and you can't skip that checking.  So the only way to do things fast is to do less. Look at less questions, less data, and write less results and discussion, but usually it will be more than enough.  If not, you can add more after getting initial feedback. 

Okay, I will stick to my deadline, be very efficient so that I will have time to do other things, and finish up!! 

My advisor told me that I can do it.  It was the very words that I wanted.  I cannot say enough how much her encouragement means to me, and how thankful I am to have an advisor like her. 

When someone made a decision - 決めた人に言う言葉

When someone made a decision after a long time of thinking, wondering, and stressing, I will just accept whatever they decided.  All they want is "Sounds great!  I'm glad you came out of the tunnel!" whatever it is.  It can be sometimes hard, because it's easy to say "Oh, why didn't you choose this instead?" "Oh, I'll be sad (for whatever reason)."

I was hugely nervous about telling people about my decisions because they tend to tell me their opinions, and try to give their advice.  That was not what I wanted, and it would make me unsettled after a long decision-making process.  So, I was really glad that some of my friends accepted my decisions and they were glad that I came to a conclusion whatever it is.  I will promise myself to do the same.  When someone makes a decision, they no longer need advice.  They just need acceptance and support.

何かを決めた後、それを誰かに言って、ああすればよかったのに、こうすればよかったのに、とか、「あなたがいなくなると寂しくなるよ！いかないで」みたいなことを言われると心が揺らぐ。後者はとても嬉しいし私もそう思うのだけど…。でも長い長い熟考の結果で、もうこれ以上悩みたくない、という心境なわけです。決めたということは、もうアドバイスはいらないということ。相手の出した結論が何であっても、「そうなんだ、決められてよかったね！」と言おう。

友達に話したとき、「否定されたらどうしよう」とナーバスというか身構えてしまった。心の底から、「私が欲しいのはアドバイスじゃない、ただそのままを受け入れてくれることだよ」、と思った。だから、自分がしてほしいことを相手にもしてあげよう。相手がアドバイスを求めているのか、ただ「そうなんだね」と言ってほしいだけなのか、見極めが大切だ。カウンセラーの人とか、聞き上手な人はそこが自然に区別できているんだろうな。自戒のために記録。

Fourth of July BBQ!

Had a bbq with Japanese friends in East Lansing!  We had really good steak meat from Costco!  It's nice to know someone who's a gourmet and knows where to get good ingredients. We made hamburgers, salads, and s'mores!

We started at noon, but one of them and I kept the grill and prepped fire from 9:30!  An retired man joined us here and there because we were using his usual spot in the apartment yard for cigarettes.  We talked a lot, and it reminded me of talking with my grandfather.  He moved in two weeks before, and now is close to his daughter and sister, which is great.  We talked about family, how things changed since he was young, and some things about Japan.

It makes me feel that we are all human beings, care for family and friends, work, and have emotions, regardless of gender, race, and any other social or biological labels that society puts on you. 

We should make the most of the moment as one of them is leaving Michigan in December, and I'll be leaving, too. The sad thing about living in a collage town is everything's transient and people come and go pretty frequently.  I'll miss lots of things here.  Having freedom and not caring about what others will think about oneself is an attitude that I am so grateful to have learned.  

We played volleyball and burned some calories, too!  It's become a great summer memory to cherish for years to come. 

Decision made!!

OK, I've made my mind, and I'm going to stick with it.  I'm going back to Japan in August, work with researchers in the US or in other countries. I've made some connections.  I will be able to live in one place for a longer period of time, have a pet (cat, rabbit or hamster 😁), build long term friendships and relationships with people, and be closer to my family.  I think it's what my heart is telling me to do, although my calculating self influenced by other people's opinions say "why don't you stay because you can, and it's a privilege, not everyone can do it".  It's really hard to shut out outside noise and listen carefully to my own thoughts in this era of information overload and so many choices, fortunately, and unfortunately.

The biggest determining factor was that I have some connections and working from Japan would not at all impossible.  Moving within the US would be a hassle for me without a car.  If I start a job in the US now, it would mean I would forever be in the US, and probably that's not what I want.  And also I'm ready to settle down after moving every 5 years both domestically and internationally for so long, which results in making new friends but also in becoming less connected with old friends every time.

To decide is to throw out other options and not look back, as they say.  Look at positive sights, be happy, and enjoy the moment wherever you are and whatever you are doing!

It was interesting that I was able to make a decision on 7/1 after spending whole June thinking, wondering, and never being able to decide.  But I set my deadline to decide on 7/1, and my mind became clear thorough lots of conversations and meetings with people, lots of reading, researching, exploring, watching videos.  I want to be more decisive!  But at the same time, I need to give myself sufficient time to weigh options so that I won't regret later.