What to do, where to be..

Maybe I've been wanted to go back to Japan because I wanted to make Japan a better place to live in.

Changing people's mind so that they won't have to care about what others think and act based on what they are supposed to do rather than on what they truly want to do.  This mismatch is a tragedy and lead to a lifelong dysphoria because they are not their true self.

Parents, relatives, classmates, friends, colleages, general 'others', common sense - countless things that are not yourself could control what you do.  The difficulty lies in the notion that 'all actions are your choice and therefore you are solely responsible for them.'  That is not true.  People rarely make decisions truly out of their free will. 

The phrase 'It's difficult to live' circulating around the Japanese society is a heartbreaking and alarming sign of people's agony.  Deep inside my heart I might be feeling that I want to do something to address it.  Do something to lessen the burden of pretending and not being able to be themselves.  And what is intimidating is the possibility of falling into the same sea of struggle as that many people in Japan are drawning in and regretting leaving my comfort zone in the US - where I can be much more like myself.

That thought is kind of selfish, but I must admit that I need to protect myself because nobody can at the end of the day.

But a monologue has been resonating in my mind for quite some time, in a conversation in a novel between two elite politicians in an ancient dinasty in China.

"We are a fortunate, one in a million who do not starve to death or suffer from excessive taxes.  Why did God create such an inequality?  Because he wanted us to help people.  That is the sole reason for us to be politicians, not to lead a luxurious life or line our own pockets.  We are to support the people who are suffering, who are deprived of everything, and who are in despair.  It may be hard for someone like you to imagine a life like that, but I trust your exceptional inteligence and imagination.  We are to dedicate ourselves to the happiness of people.  And that should never been achieved through almsgiving - we were to cry with them on drought days and shiver with cold with them on infertile winter soils.  I had never noticed it for a prolonged period of time." /

Still not quite sure what I want to do and where I want to be, but just trying to clear my mind by writing...